• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Welcome
  • Work With Me >
    • Signs of Trauma
    • Benefits
    • Fees and Policies
    • Frequent Questions
    • Online Sessions
    • Types of Bodywork >
      • Bodywork sessions
      • Reiki
      • Massage
      • CranioSacral Therapy
      • Somatic Experiencing
      • Other Bodywork
  • People Say
  • Articles >
    • Articles by Topic
    • Articles by Date
  • Books >
    • Wellspring of Compassion
    • Presence After Trauma
    • Embodying Hope
    • View Cart
  • About >
    • About Sonia Connolly, LMT
    • Privacy Policy
  • Contact
  • Nav Widget Area

Sundown Healing Arts

Intuitive, compassionate bodywork for trauma

Topic: Relating

The Sacred Work of Showing Up

Emotional labor is the detail work of caring, of noticing, of paying attention. It is overwhelmingly gendered female. People perceived as women are expected to “naturally” do the the work of keeping track and tending and nurturing, and are judged harshly for refusing. People perceived as men have the choice to remain oblivious that the work even exists to be done. More generally, people with less privilege are expected to care for people with more privilege.

Paid emotional labor includes the smile you get with your coffee from your regular barista, as well as their memory for what you always order. Many service workers are required to be warm, friendly, and enthusiastic as part of their jobs. Sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild coined the term “emotional labor” in her 1983 book, The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling.

Unpaid emotional labor in relationships includes the work of listening, keeping track of people’s preferences, making sure everyone has what they need, remembering birthdays, sending thank you cards, and generally signaling, in a way that works for the recipient, that they are important and cared about. This work is a crucial part of creating community for everyone.

Comfort is a privilege
Unpaid emotional labor also includes tracking someone’s emotional state from moment to moment, making sure they are not offended, soothing them if they seem upset, and looking for phrasing that is most likely to be acceptable to them. This work occurs when there is a power imbalance and a hidden threat of violence in a relationship. One person is doing the work of keeping another person on an emotional even keel.

It is an unequally distributed privilege to expect to be comfortable. It is a privilege to take for granted the work others do to create comfort, to expect others to discern and provide what pleases us without returning the favor. It is a privilege to expect people to prioritize moderating their tone to protect our tender feelings. Some messages are simply uncomfortable to hear.

Showing up
Doing our share of emotional labor includes showing up with ourselves, paying attention to our own behavior and emotions. It includes the gritty, exhausting, long haul work of healing from trauma. Looking inside is a service we do for ourselves, and also for the people around us. Each wound we heal, each old pattern we shift, each fractured child-self we integrate, helps us be more present, aware, and compassionate, which ripples out to benefit the rest of the world.

Doing our share of emotional labor includes showing up with others, identifying our longings, needs, and boundaries, and courageously talking about them. It includes listening to others’ longings, needs, and boundaries and keeping them in mind in the future.

Pause and listen
When we talk about our emotional labor, we hope for recognition, appreciation, and, eventually, to share the burden. Unfortunately, people who are comfortably unaware of the emotional labor they demand often react with shame, anger, and defensiveness instead. The conversation turns once again to soothing their feelings, instead of being heard.

We can open the door to hearing uncomfortable truths by asking close friends or family, “Is there anything I take for granted that you would like to be appreciated for? Is there anything you want me to hear?” When someone says something surprising or jarring, we can resist reflexively telling them why they are wrong. Instead, we can pause and listen, showing respect for their viewpoint.

Look for balance
Emotional labor includes gentle attention to the balance between listening and talking. Our existing biases tend to reinforce imbalances. Those of us who have been taught to monitor the needs of everyone around us continue to believe we are not doing enough. Those of us who have been taught to expect our comfort to be prioritized continue to believe it is all someone else’s problem.

Make the world a better place
Some people cause harm to others because they enjoy it, or think the ends justify the means. When most of us cause harm, we sincerely mean well, but we inflict our lack of awareness and unexamined patterns on the people around us.

When we show up with ourselves and others, when we peer into our shadows, when we learn to tolerate discomfort (but not misery), when we share responsibility for creating comfort, we add to the wholeness in the world. We begin to mend cultural and generational legacies of silence, aversion, neglect, and abuse, doing the sacred work of making the world a better place.

Learn more
The MetaFilter post “Where’s My Cut?”: On Unpaid Emotional Labor sparked 700 pages of validating, illuminating comments. Olivia K. Lima created a shorter compilation document where she gathered the highlights by theme. At 52 pages, it is well worth the time to read and digest.

MSNBC blog post about the origins and definition of “emotional labor”: How companies force ‘emotional labor’ on low-wage workers.


Related Posts:

  • The Perils of Nice
  • Trust Yourself Despite Everyday Gaslighting
  • Offer a Collaborative Story
  • Deflect the Tone Argument

Copyright Sonia Connolly. Ask for permission to repost more than a paragraph. Always attribute quotes with the author's name and a link.

Let me know what you think!
Did this article spark a response in you? I'd love to hear about it! Send email to share your thoughts.

Subscribe!
Subscribe today to receive free monthly healing articles in your Inbox.

Buy the books!
Wellspring of Compassion and Presence After Trauma are available directly from me (US only) or from Powells.com or Amazon.

December 1, 2015 sonia

Patience with Long Endings
Weave Your Body Whole

Primary Sidebar

Cart

Cart is empty
Visit The Shop

Work with me

Online sessions available.
Contact Sonia Connolly to schedule your appointment or free phone consultation in Portland, Oregon.
sonia@TraumaHealed.com
503-334-6434
My office is fragrance-free.

Quick Links

  • Signs of Trauma
  • Testimonials
  • Bodywork Services
  • Frequent Questions
  • Healing Resources
  • Subscribe!

Latest Articles

  • Elements of Refuge
  • When Help Means Rescue
  • When Help Means Danger

Buy the books

Wellspring of Compassion book coverPresence After Trauma book cover

Popular Articles

Sorry. No data so far.

Trauma Healing Topics

  • Acceptance
  • Body
  • Boundaries
  • Find Support
  • Hard Times
  • Healing Tools
  • Relating
  • Self-Trust
  • Survival Tools
  • Trauma Effects, PTSD

Archives

  • Articles by Topic

What I’m reading

Curious, Healing

Free Monthly Healing Articles

Please wait

Footer

People Say

Dilip Panakkal, Reiki Master

Sonia is very intuitive and gentle and one feels totally at ease under her healing hands. She has been the reason I kept faith in myself through some of the roughest patches in my life emotionally and spiritually. Continue Reading (click twice)

Read More Testimonials

You are welcome

Sundown Healing Arts is size-friendly, diversity-friendly, queer-friendly, and trans-friendly. Persons of any body size, color, sexual orientation, and gender are welcome.
  • Sundown Healing Arts
  • Bodywork
  • Articles
  • Resources
  • About
  • Contact

Sonia Connolly, LMT #12475    503-334-6434    2833 NE 8th Ave, Portland, Oregon 97212

Copyright © 2005-2021 Sonia Connolly