Relating

In an emotionally enmeshed relationship, there are two people, but only one point of view. All kinds of relationships can be enmeshed: parent and child, siblings, a romantic couple, close friends, coworkers, etc. Enmeshment is different from interdependence, where two people support and care about each other, but still maintain separate selves. Usually there is… Read More

Most parents have the deep instinct to protect small vulnerable beings, especially their own children. Some parents don’t. Some parents are too overwhelmed, unskilled, or caught up in their own point of view to notice when they are causing pain in someone else. Some parents enjoy causing pain. Many people say we “should” remain connected… Read More

Jacinta realized she was angry about not being heard. She said to her friend Reya, “I’m mad about our translation project. I still think this idiom isn’t quite right.” Reya said flatly, “I disagree.” Jacinta took a deep breath and tried again. “I really appreciate that you did this translation. Your technical Spanish is much… Read More

Never take the last cookie. Avoid drama. Never tell people they are wrong. Wait for people to notice what you need. Smile at strangers. We have lots of rules about how to be nice, how to be liked. The details vary in each community, which can be surprising when you move to a new town…. Read More

You want someone to take a look at an important letter before you send it out. Your kid left their shoes in the middle of the floor, again. Your boss makes little disparaging remarks about your Black coworker that she doesn’t make about others. We give and receive feedback constantly as we navigate our complex… Read More

Emotional labor is the detail work of caring, of noticing, of paying attention. It is overwhelmingly gendered female. People perceived as women are expected to “naturally” do the the work of keeping track and tending and nurturing, and are judged harshly for refusing. People perceived as men have the choice to remain oblivious that the… Read More

Amirah and Galen are arguing again. This time, Amirah announces that she intends to go to prayer meeting at the mosque whether Galen approves or not, and Galen is welcome to come along if she wants. As usual, Galen has a reason to stay behind, and tries to convince Amirah to stay as well. To… Read More

Anyone who makes an appointment for bodywork, arrives, and lies down on the table has given consent to be touched, right? Wrong! Clients are in a vulnerable position relative to the practitioner, lying down, possibly with some of their clothes off. Even with active encouragement to express preferences, it can be hard to speak up…. Read More

Like a heavy shield, defensiveness has its uses, and can also get in our way. Defensiveness can protect emotional wounds left by trauma and abuse. At the same time, it blocks out the rest of the world. In conversations, defensiveness prevents connection and communication. While we quickly notice defensiveness in others, we are slower to… Read More

Everyone is sensitive to physical and emotional toxins at some level. Some people start out nearly impervious, while others are sensitive to microscopic amounts. When body and spirit are subjected to repeated or extreme trauma, we lose the ability to absorb further insults. The nervous system becomes reactive to smaller amounts of toxins, and interprets… Read More